The Crying of Lot Salem 49

No big posts today, I've got too much to do. Larry Crocket called to say that he's got a great house for me to buy. Used to belong to some guy named Marsten years ago. Anywho, the current occupants are two guys named Straker and Barlow. I met Straker at his antique shop the other day. Nice guy. Haven't met Barlow yet but Straker told me, "You'll enjoy Mr. Barlow, and he'll enjoy you." Boy what a couple of swell guys!

So I'm going over there for dinner tonight to talk about the house, maybe help them hand out some candy to the trick or treaters. Straker promised me that Barlow would answer the door. I asked him to make sure he does because I really want to meet him and also because they're such great guys I'm going to surprise them with a couple of "moving out" presents.

First, since they're into antiques, I got this huge crucifix, I mean it's like three feet tall, and it's really old. Big-ass figure of Jesus on it and everything. And it's been doused in holy water from the Vatican and blessed by the Pope! Man they are going to love it!

Then, since they seem all European and sophisticated-like, I'm going to bring them a whole bushel of elephant garlic from my garden that they can use in their recipes. They'll love me!

Oh yeah, and you can't bring somebody a house gift that doesn't include something for the garden. Well, let me tell you I've got just the thing - Wolfbane! Tons of it! It's a perennial so I'll know they'll be happy.

Finally, since Barlow doesn't get out much (he's never at the shop with Straker!) I am totally going to make his day. I got a great deal on sunlight simulator lamps just last week - 5,000 watts baby!

So here's the thing and I'm really excited about it: I'm going to set up the lamps outside the door, drape the garlic around my neck, cover the threshold with wolfbane petals and hold the crucifix straight out in front of me after I knock on the door. When the door opens the lamps go on and boy oh boy are they going to be surprised! They just may give me the house for free after they see what a great guy I am.

Happy Halloween!

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What if they held a blogathon and nobody showed up?

In the spirit of the overwhelming amounts of blogathons out there right now and channelling the unearthly remains of Jonathan Swift I officially add to the ever growing list of blogathons by announcing one more: The Jonathan Lapper Home Movie Blogathon. All posts must concern home movies made by or of Jonathan Lapper. I've got first dibs on Thanksgiving 1994 when the turkey fell on the floor and the dog peed on it. That one's all mine. The official dates of the blogathon are today through the seventh moon of the ninth year of the Epoch of Cydonia. If that date confuses you please contact Ed Hardy, Jr at Shoot the Projectionist for further information.

I can hardly wait to see the many takes on all of my home movies. I imagine Dennis will do something on that classic from 1974, Disney World Vacation spoiled by Jonathan vomiting on the Teacups Ride. I'm assuming we'll get the usual comparisons to New York New York and 1941.

Then there's Kimberly. She's always been a fan of horror so it's a no-brainer she'll probably write-up 1984's Jonathan Sports a Mullet and Wears Ruffled Tux to Prom. I'm already getting chills just thinking about it.

And there are so many others:

*Jonathan tears groin muscle attempting to break dance, (1986)

*Jonathan secretly filmed by sister while watching Somewhere in Time on cable and crying, (1985) Oh, the escapades following the discovery of being taped. I'm sure some Bourne enthusiast will choose this one if only for the shaky camera shots while Jonathan chases his sister yelling, "I'm serious! Give me the goddamn camera!"

*Jonathan trips and crashes into podium during graduation, (1985)

*Jonathan gives speech before film class: "Richard Grieco is the rightful heir to Robert de Niro." (1989) Hey that could still be proven right.

*Jonathan secretly filmed by sister while using tennis racket to "play" guitar solo on "Running with the Devil." (1983) Kim will probably remark on the pop genius of using Rick Nielsen's guitar playing style with a Van Halen song, until Jonathan's sister reveals herself by laughing and the chase begins.

*Jonathan accidentally passes gas during Holiday dinner, blames it on dog (1987) The acting in this one is truly exceptional. When Jonathan insists, "Oh my god, I'm serious it was the damn dog!" you almost believe he believes it. The shots that follow the discovery that the dog wasn't even in the house at the time are heartbreaking.

*Jonathan's audition tape for Star Search singing Kenny Roger's Lady (1983) Here I expect the Shamus will want to analyze the unique stylings of Jonathan's crooning with Kenny Roger's benchmark, nay, seminal moment in songwriting history.

*Jonathan boldly states, "Twenty years from now we will all remember where we were when we first saw Cocoon." (1985)

*Jonathan's secretly filmed by sister while practicing pick-up lines in front of the mirror (1989) Someone exploring the pop culture touchstones of the eighties, perhaps Brian the Cinephile of Bubblegum Aesthetics, can explore the recurring motifs of the "secretly filmed by sister" trilogy: The running and screaming afterwards, the mad cackling of Jonathan's sister, the slamming and locking of her door as she escapes and then taunts while Jonathan bangs on the door impotently. There's so much to cover.

So there you have it. It starts today so get writing. Most of my home movies are available on Netflix but if you can't find them there check out Greencine which tends to cover harder to get titles like Jonathan wearing rainbow suspenders and pink parachute pants to 17th birthday party (1984). That one also has a couple of DVD extras including production shots before I took off the purple bowtie. If the blogathon's a success, who knows maybe I'll put together a list of the best Jonathan Lapper home movies ever. Neil Sarver can do the rankings. Thanks everybody and see you at the blogathon.

Update: Almost forgot to add - When you've done your post send it to Ken Lowery's Ringwood... just for the hell of it.