I should've been the Captain

So I'm walking with my fellow crew members, Taylor, Landon and Dodge in the desert and dying of thirst. Landon asks where we are and Taylor says we're 320 light years from Earth on an unnamed planet in orbit around a star in the constellation of Orion. I'm like, "No we're not. We're back on Earth."

Taylor chuckles but I can tell he's kind of miffed that I disagreed with him. So anyway, he spouts the Orion party line again and I'm like, "Dude, we're on Earth, trust me. When we were flying in I saw the Statue of Liberty about four clicks that way. Seriously, I'm not bullshitting you. And let me just say we must be in the future or something cause Lady Liberty was looking pretty crappy." I can tell he's getting all pissed and then Dodge shouts out that he's found a plant and goes on and on about how where there's one there's another and another and so on. Whatever. I'm not impressed.

"First of all," I say with smug, arrogant authority, "it's a pretty shitty looking plant. I mean, I've seen better plants growing under my shed. Second of all, I've got, like, 500 plants in my backyard alone so I'm not sure what's so amazing about one pathetic little crap-harvest."

"Well," says Dodge, "You're kind of missing the point. See, we're in a desert and finding a..." That's where I cut him off with a casual, "Yeah, whatever" before I turn and walk away.

Taylor is busting Landon's balls by this point which is pretty much par for the course with that guy. Anyway Landon asks Taylor why he signed on for this mission and Taylor shoots out some nonsense about how there "has to be something better than man. Has to be." I'm like, "No there doesn't. Man is the best." Taylor just rolls his eyes and I defensively ask, "Oh, okay, what's better? Platypuses? Narwhals? Kiwis? Huh? What? Go ahead, give me one animal that kicks more ass than Man. Ha! I didn't think so! Man rules!" I shout as I wave my fist in the air.

So now we're walking along and no one's saying anything and I'm getting bored so I ask, "So Taylor, while we were in hibernation d'you get busy with Stewart?" Boy does that piss off Taylor. "Okay, that's enough Ferrara!" I'm like, "What man, I'm just asking! I mean me, Landon and Dodge went out first and you were all like, 'I need Stewart to assist me with a couple of experiments before she goes into hyper-sleep.' Right guys?" Landon and Dodge just kind of look at the ground and I'm like, "Oh come on! You know we all gave each other eye-rolls when he said that!" So anyway, I think he's really touchy about it cause maybe that's how the crack in the glass got there and he feels all responsible and shit. Then before I can ask about the crack a boulder starts to tumble down the side of a hill and we all run like hell and take cover under... uh... well, another boulder. Kinda dumb, I know. Dodge offers ration water and Taylor and Landon shake their heads "No" but I'm all like, "Hell yeah, give me some of that," and I drink their share as well. Boy do I get some looks for that. Whatever, they should've drunk the water. Dumbasses.

I can tell they're all starting to get annoyed with me when out of the blue we happen upon some scarecrows. And not just any scarecrows but really cool ten-foot-tall-form-of-an-X scarecrows. So yeah, everyone knows I'm pretty much a scarecrow fanatic right? I'm pretty psyched about this when suddenly we hear something that sounds like running water. We look around and see some goddamn waterfall and Taylor's all like, "To hell with the scarecrows!" Not me, I'm like, "Screw that, I'm staying here. Go play in the water all you want, losers."

And now there they are, naked, clothes stolen, shot in the neck and carted off in a cage to some talking ape village. And here I am, fully clothed, high and dry and having a drink of ration water with my new scarecrow peeps. I should've been Captain of this mission. I'm just sayin'.

*************

source pics: one, two and three

Well, since you asked...

... I'll tell you what you've done. You built a bridge. A really good bridge. For the enemy. See, here's the thing. When the enemy says, "Hey you, build me a bridge," you say, "Sure why not, I'll build your bridge for you," and then you use like, I don't know, bubblegum or something to hold the supports together. And then you're like, "Oh damn, the bridge collapsed again. Man that really sucks! Guess we gotta start over." And then the enemy, Colonel Saito, slaps his hands up and down his face like Curly from the Three Stooges and steam comes out of his ears and he's all like, "Nicholson!!! One of these days..." as he waves his fist at you. And then you just laugh and say, "Oh, you mean you want the bridge to stay up? Why didn't you say so! Lieutenant, we must use stronger bubblegum. And twine!" And then everyone laughs and Saito says, "Why I oughta..." as he wags his finger at you and then when he turns to leave he slips in the mud and falls smack down on his ass. Big laughs all around.

See that's how it's supposed to work. But no, not you. You go all out and build the goddamn Golden Gate Bridge for this son of a bitch like you're trying to get into his pants or something. I mean, what the hell? It's like he's your hero. Hey, maybe you and the guys could start mowing his lawn on the weekends and fix that leaky sink in the kitchen his wife's always complaining about. While you're at it why don't you start wiping his ass for him too? I mean, hey, why should this guy do anything for himself? He's got you, Colonel Nicholson, eager puppy and willing bootlick.

I gotta be honest here: The only way you could possibly redeem yourself in my eyes at this point is if took a header onto that ignition plunger over there and blew this whole damn...

... Oh... well... never mind. Good show old man! Jolly good!

Another day?

Is that the best you can come up with? "Tomorrow is another day?" Try this on for size: Tomorrow is a brand new day. See, that's optimistic! That's saying, "Tomorrow is a brand new opportunity for me to turn things around, to really make a change for the better!" But "another day?" It's generic. Tuesday last week? Another day. Third Friday this October? Another day. That time you slapped Prissy around before squeezing a baby out of Melanie? Another day. They're all just another day, each and every one of them. Just a couple of words waiting for Paul McCartney to put some music on 'em. If that's the best you can do to motivate yourself I gotta be honest with you, I don't blame Rhett for leaving you. I mean really, who wants to be with someone with such a weak grasp of motivational language? I'd probably leave you too. And not to be too picky, but as the final statement on the four hour story of your life? One word: Limp. I could go on, but frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

Oh Sonny. Sonny, Sonny, Sonny...

I'm disappointed in you. Sorry, but I didn't think you were this gullible. Carlo beating up your sister? It's such obvious bait. And here you are taking it hook, line and sinker. You know Sonny, sometimes I think Michael's the one who's going to eventually take over the family. Hey, don't laugh, it could happen. He's cool and calculated, not a hothead like you.

Sonny, can you please take your knuckle out of your mouth while I'm talking to you? Thanks. Look, I know you're upset about this but I say we sit down, open a bottle of vino - Connie, you got a bottle of wine in there? You do? Great, can you bring it out, thanks. What am I saying, Connie sit down, I'll get it. You've been through enough.

Now Sonny listen.... Sonny where you going? Sonny stop! I'm telling you, you're falling for a doozy here. Okay, alright fine, do what you want to do, see if I care! Excuse me for trying to help.

What's that? Change for the turnpike toll? Call it a hunch, but I don't think you're going to need it.

Are You Serious?

The moons of Nibia? The moons of freakin' Nibia?!? Sorry, no effing way! I am not chasing anyone 'round the moons of Nibia or 'round the Antares Maelstrom and I'm sure as hell not going through Perdition's flames just because you happen to be obsessed. I don't give a crap what this excitable Kirk guy did to you; we've got freedom and a ship. I must say, I'm a little disappointed that you're letting yourself be blinded by your hatred of this Kirk guy. Not good leadership my man. A bird in the hand Khan. A bird in the hand.

*****ARCHIVED HALOSCAN COMMENTS FOR THIS POST HERE*****

I'm Afraid I'm Disappointed in You Judy...

... or Madeline, or whatever your name is. Sure, you were a very apt pupil, no one's questioning that. But Judy, oh Judy, you kept a souvenir from a killing. You shouldn't have been that sentimental. Pretty dumb move Judy. I'm sorry but I'm very disappointed. Very. Goodbye Judy.