I should've been the Captain

So I'm walking with my fellow crew members, Taylor, Landon and Dodge in the desert and dying of thirst. Landon asks where we are and Taylor says we're 320 light years from Earth on an unnamed planet in orbit around a star in the constellation of Orion. I'm like, "No we're not. We're back on Earth."

Taylor chuckles but I can tell he's kind of miffed that I disagreed with him. So anyway, he spouts the Orion party line again and I'm like, "Dude, we're on Earth, trust me. When we were flying in I saw the Statue of Liberty about four clicks that way. Seriously, I'm not bullshitting you. And let me just say we must be in the future or something cause Lady Liberty was looking pretty crappy." I can tell he's getting all pissed and then Dodge shouts out that he's found a plant and goes on and on about how where there's one there's another and another and so on. Whatever. I'm not impressed.

"First of all," I say with smug, arrogant authority, "it's a pretty shitty looking plant. I mean, I've seen better plants growing under my shed. Second of all, I've got, like, 500 plants in my backyard alone so I'm not sure what's so amazing about one pathetic little crap-harvest."

"Well," says Dodge, "You're kind of missing the point. See, we're in a desert and finding a..." That's where I cut him off with a casual, "Yeah, whatever" before I turn and walk away.

Taylor is busting Landon's balls by this point which is pretty much par for the course with that guy. Anyway Landon asks Taylor why he signed on for this mission and Taylor shoots out some nonsense about how there "has to be something better than man. Has to be." I'm like, "No there doesn't. Man is the best." Taylor just rolls his eyes and I defensively ask, "Oh, okay, what's better? Platypuses? Narwhals? Kiwis? Huh? What? Go ahead, give me one animal that kicks more ass than Man. Ha! I didn't think so! Man rules!" I shout as I wave my fist in the air.

So now we're walking along and no one's saying anything and I'm getting bored so I ask, "So Taylor, while we were in hibernation d'you get busy with Stewart?" Boy does that piss off Taylor. "Okay, that's enough Ferrara!" I'm like, "What man, I'm just asking! I mean me, Landon and Dodge went out first and you were all like, 'I need Stewart to assist me with a couple of experiments before she goes into hyper-sleep.' Right guys?" Landon and Dodge just kind of look at the ground and I'm like, "Oh come on! You know we all gave each other eye-rolls when he said that!" So anyway, I think he's really touchy about it cause maybe that's how the crack in the glass got there and he feels all responsible and shit. Then before I can ask about the crack a boulder starts to tumble down the side of a hill and we all run like hell and take cover under... uh... well, another boulder. Kinda dumb, I know. Dodge offers ration water and Taylor and Landon shake their heads "No" but I'm all like, "Hell yeah, give me some of that," and I drink their share as well. Boy do I get some looks for that. Whatever, they should've drunk the water. Dumbasses.

I can tell they're all starting to get annoyed with me when out of the blue we happen upon some scarecrows. And not just any scarecrows but really cool ten-foot-tall-form-of-an-X scarecrows. So yeah, everyone knows I'm pretty much a scarecrow fanatic right? I'm pretty psyched about this when suddenly we hear something that sounds like running water. We look around and see some goddamn waterfall and Taylor's all like, "To hell with the scarecrows!" Not me, I'm like, "Screw that, I'm staying here. Go play in the water all you want, losers."

And now there they are, naked, clothes stolen, shot in the neck and carted off in a cage to some talking ape village. And here I am, fully clothed, high and dry and having a drink of ration water with my new scarecrow peeps. I should've been Captain of this mission. I'm just sayin'.

*************

source pics: one, two and three

Transcendental Meditation

Over at Scanners Jim Emerson has entered into the fray over The Dark Knight and discussions of genre brought up by A.O. Scott of the New York Times. I'm not here to get into that discussion but rather use it as a jumping off point for some thoughts I've long had about genres that The Dark Knight fray brings to the forefront quite well. I purposely did not read all the comments on the Scanners post because I wanted to come at it fresh without multiple opinions already clouding my views but I would like to hear from Ken Lowery on this if he reads this because I noticed he was one of the commenters and he has a good background with comics (as far as I know). Of course, this isn't just about the Comics Genre (or Superhero Genre or whatever it may be called) but mainly so.

In all the discussion of how great The Dark Knight is (I have not seen it yet) the one thing that keeps gnawing at me is the equation of "seriousness" or "heavy moral ambiguity" with greatness in the comic book genre. To my eyes, this is belittling of the genre in and of itself by the very people who support the genre so wholeheartedly in the first place. One thing movie critics and historians pounded into my head again and again in all those formative years of reading everything about film I could get my hands on was that the subject matter does not affect how great a movie is. So just because Gandhi contains very serious subject matter and has an noble lead character does not mean it is a better film than The Awful Truth with Irene Dunne and Cary Grant because that film is "just a silly comedy." But by pointing to the "serious" and "deep" aspects of The Dark Knight as the reasons for its greatness the inadvertent argument emerges that if a comic book genre film does not go "all serious" it can't be great. Thus the earlier works of Richard Donner and Tim Burton just weren't serious enough and thus do not merit high praise.

This is the same baloney argument I've fought against since my love of film began all those many years ago. And not just with film. Take the Beatles for instance. How many times has someone argued for their greatness based on string quartets, octets and guitar solos recorded backwards? Wow, terrific, but I base their greatness as a rock band on things like I Saw Her Standing There, not Eleanor Rigby, and when someone insists on going in the opposite direction they're saying you can't be a great rock band if all you're playing is, uh, you know, rock.

And so it goes with genre in film. You can be a good sci-fi movie (Forbidden Planet, Planet of the Apes) but you can't be Great with a capital "G" unless you get weighty and heady and ponder the existence of intelligence in the universe (2001: A Space Odyssey). And that's not to say I don't believe with all my heart that 2001 is a great movie, I think it is, just that I tire of it being exalted above some of the more excitable genre examples from the fifties that are truer in spirit to the genre. And that's the problem, they're true to the genre and we all know if you stay within the genre you're doomed as far as the historical record of merit is concerned. You must do something different to be great. There's even a term for it: Transcending the Genre.

Well I'm here to go on record that for the most part, if given my say, I want my genre films to stay firmly planted in the genre from which they sprang. Not because I want them to be limited but because I want people to start appreciating them for what they are and stop thinking that genre is unimportant unless everyone starts emoting from the balcony. I believe staying within the genre makes the film more challenging in many ways. For instance, in a comic book film one is already starting at the incredible disadvantage of literally dressing their characters for the part. Michale Corleone wouldn't have to figure out who was with him or against him in the comic book world because everyone would already have the appropriate costume on. So instead of fighting against that and writing characters who operate in shades of grey while walking around with their "Villain" labels attached to their head why not play with the fact that it's so obvious instead? It's not as "deep" but that's what makes it harder. Watching the original Superman (1978) and it's sequel Superman II (1980) it's clear that no one is trying to confuse or challenge the audience as to whether Clark, Lex and those three cheerful sorts led by Zod are good or bad. We know what they are and the two movies revel in this and become great examples of how to make a genre film without stepping outside the rulebook once.

Look, I can appreciate wanting to do something different and take your characters in different directions. My problem is not with the filmmakers, it's with the critics and fans who insist genre films must merge with Ibsen before they are to be taken seriously. Do what you want with genre by all means. But when it's done don't tell me it's better than the rest because it left the confines of the genre. Praise 2001 through the roof, but don't try to convince me it's great because it doesn't have Charlton Heston, Rod Taylor or Gene Barry. Keep it up and eventually we'll lose the fun of the different genres altogether as everyone elbows to become the next Eugene O'Neill of Horror or Anton Chekhov of Action/Adventure. And if that happens I've only got one thing to say and I learned it from the genre school of dialogue:

"We finally really did it. You Maniacs! You blew it up! Oh, damn you! God damn you all to hell!"

*****ARCHIVED HALOSCAN COMMENTS FOR THIS POST HERE*****

Great Moments in Movie History: Lamest Throw Ever

So there you are, on the set of a major motion picture. They've gone to the trouble of putting you in full monkey make-up for the shoot. You even make it into a shot with the star.

And this is your throw?

Come on! Where's the "Can-Do" spirit? Where's the go-get-um attitude?

There's the star right in front of you. Don't be timid, you're supposed to be throwing fruit at him. Plant one right on his face and for years afterwards you can tell the grandkids, "I once hit Chuck Heston square on the chin with a rotten mango." But those glory days will never be. You had your chance and you blew it. For shame.